How you can help
EBBIE WAS 22 when her parents died in an auto accident. "The first months after their death were terrible for me," she recalls. "Whenever I tried to talk about it with my friends, they would tell me about a sale at the mall or offer to take me out to the movies. I know they wanted to help, but what I really needed was a shoulder to cry on."
When Brad's financee, Stephanie, called off their wedding, he was crushed. "My friends told me things like they thought Stephanie was hard to get along with and that they never really liked her. They may have been trying to stick up for me, but their words only made me feel worse," Brad explains. "I still think Stephanie is a nice person, even though things didn't work out for us."
After Ramona's mastectomy, her friends came to the hospital to cheer her up. "When I told them I was worried the cancer would spread, they acted as if I had nothing to be concerned about," Ramona says. "They made comments like, 'Don't worry--you'll probably live to be 100,' and 'Plenty of people have had breast cancer and survived.' They shrugged off anything I said about my illness, and made me feel guilty for being scared."
Like Debbie, Brad and Ramona, we all go through difficult experiences at one time or another. A serious illness, a tragic automobile accident, the death of a family member, marriage problems, financial difficulties, the loss of a job--all can be part of life.
But although our desire to help may be automatic, giving comfort takes careful forethought.
During difficult times, our friends need our support more than ever. But although our desire to help may be automatic, giving comfort takes careful forethought. Even the best-intentioned people sometimes blurt out insensitive remarks.
It can be hard to know what to say to a hurting friend. Should we try to get our friend laughing or should we share some of our own experiences? Should we encourage our friend to talk about the situation, or should we try to come up with some good advice? In some situations we may feel so awkward that we avoid a suffering friend altogether rather than risk saying the wrong thing.
Although each crisis situation is unique, we can learn to respond tactfully, sincerely and appropriately. Here are some suggestions for helping a hurting friend:
Let them get it out
When Kathy walked into work Monday morning, two of her friends greeted her at her desk. "How was your weekend?" they asked. Kathy burst into tears. "My husband and I had a huge fight Friday night and he hasn't spoken to me all weekend!"
Her friends hadn't expected such an honest reply to their question. "It can't be that bad," one friend told her. "There are donuts in the kitchen, why don't you go get one?" the other suggested. "No thanks," Kathy sighed. "I guess I better get to work."
Let your friend talk about their problem. This will allow them to begin working through the healing process.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when a friend starts to tell you bad news is to deny you heard anything troubling. Let your friend talk about his problem. This will allow him to begin working through the healing process.
Changing the subject, making jokes, and coming up with reasons why the problem isn't a problem conveys to your friend that it is not okay to feel sad or express sorrow. Comments such as "Don't worry," "Get tough," and "You're blowing this out of proportion," minimize the tragedy and lay a truckload of guilt on the person suffering. "People get so panicky about not knowing what to do or say that they shut the suffering person out to make themselves feel more comfortable," says Phyllis Neumann, Ph.D., a psychologist in Petaluma, California. "Most people don't even know they're doing it. But rather than say, 'Don't cry, it'll be okay,' your friend needs to be told to go ahead and cry."
If your friend says something negative after a traumatic experience, try not to let it make you nervous. "It may be hard to hear, but remind yourself that they're in a lot of pain," Neumann says. "Just let them talk, because at that moment, that's exactly how they feel."
This doesn't mean you should never bring up encouraging scriptures such as Romans 8:28--but don't do it without first acknowledging your friend is going through a difficult situation.
Listen to understand
The best response you can give a hurting friend is to listen in a nonjudgmental way, and try to understand why they feel the way they do. In general, sufferers just need to know the listener recognizes they feel sad and will support them in expressing their sadness.
The best response you can give a hurting friend is to listen in a nonjudgmental way, and try to understand why they feel the way they do.
After Job lost his property and children, his three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar wept and mourned with him (Job 2:11-13). Romans 12:15 tells us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Galatians 6:2 says we should "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
Calmly accept your friend's situation for what it is and try not to deny what is happening. Responses such as "Tell me more about it," "You've been through a lot," and "I'm sorry to hear the bad news," communicate genuine concern and acceptance.
Let your friend do most of the talking. Remember, you're not there to tell your story. When your friend is talking, give they your full attention. Watch your body language. Don't look at your watch, let your eyes wander, or nod impatiently. Don't try to finish your friend's sentences for them because you think you know what they're going to say--you may be wrong.
Don't say "I know how you feel"
After Carol's baby died, her friends tried to comfort her. Unsure of what to say, her friend Jennifer told her, "I know it's terrible to lose a baby." "I felt like saying, 'How would you know?'" Carol says. "Jennifer is single and busy with her career. For an entire year, all I thought about was having this baby and now he is gone. How could Jennifer possibly know what I am feeling?"
Be careful not to assume you know what your friend is feeling. Remind yourself that even if you have been through a similar experience, it isn't the particular situation your friend is going through.
Respect sufferer's privacy
Don't assume a grieving friend doesn't want to be bothered without first giving them a chance to talk.
Realize that some hurting people may not be ready to talk about their problem or may open up to only one or two of their closest friends. Let the sufferer call the shots. If you know someone is going through a serious trial, don't jump on them the second you see them walk into church and start asking prying questions. First, discern if it's a good time to talk, and don't take it personally if the sufferer does not feel comfortable opening up to you. Asking, "How are you doing?" or mentioning, "If you ever need to talk, I'm available," lets the sufferer know you are willing to listen if the need arises. Otherwise, you may appear pushy or like a busy-body.
Don't be offended if the family of someone who is seriously ill limits the number of visitors for a while. You can still send a card or a note with a message reminding them they are in your thoughts and prayers.
Some people go to the extreme of respecting someone's privacy by being afraid to intrude and backing off completely. Don't assume a grieving friend doesn't want to be bothered without first giving him a chance to talk. If your friend doesn't feel like talking, they'll let you know. If they would like to talk, they will appreciate you being perceptive enough to notice.
Offer realistic encouragement
Although you may want things to be better for your friend "on the spot," avoid making statements you don't know are true as a way of trying to be positive. A few weeks after Kevin's skiing accident, his friends told him, "You'll be skiing again in no time."
"I wanted to ask, 'Really, how can you be so sure?'" Kevin says. "My doctors told me they doubted I would ever be able to ski again. But my friends seemed to imply I could lead the same life I had before the accident, if I really wanted to."
Learn to accept your friend's new-found limitations after an accident or major illness. You don't have to stretch the truth to be encouraging. Ephesians 4:25 says to speak honestly with one another: "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
When you visit a sick friend in the hospital, recognize that the immediate situation does not have to be rosy or anywhere near perfect for you to be positive and upbeat. Focus on what you know is true: that you care about your friend and are pulling for him. To say, "I'll pray for you," and mean it, is enormously encouraging and will bind you together.
Don't give unsolicited advice
What to do to solve your friend's problem may seem obvious to you, but resist the temptation to give unsolicited advice. Neumann says giving advice is another way we cut off communication: "You tell yourself, If I can distract my friend by thinking of some brilliant advice, they'll stop crying."
Unsolicited advice can put the sufferer in an awkward position if they don't take your suggestion. When Mike lost his job, he received a lot of unwanted advice. "Usually I didn't think other people's suggestions would work," Mike relates. "I felt like I had to defend the way I was handling my situation and didn't feel encouraged at all. Instead, I'd think to myself, 'Whew, I made it through another interrogation.'"
If a friend asks for advice, it can be all right to give it if your advice comes in the form of several alternatives, rather than one specific course of action you think he should take. Rather than say, "I think this is what you should do," say "This is what I've done," or "This is what works for me." Let the person who is hurting make the final decision about what to do.
Be patient
Don't get impatient with your friend if they are not over their tragedy, even though you and others may think they should be. It takes time to work through the grief process. Depending on the severity of the situation, it can take months or even years to fully recover from some tragedies.
Don't get impatient with your friend if he is not over their tragedy, even though you and others may think they should be.
Fight the tendency to tell yourself things like, "If they won't help themselves, there's nothing I can do." It's important to be there for our friends during their low periods, regardless of how we think they are or are not handling their situations.
My friend, Kate, shared how she felt during the five years her husband, Randy, was battling chronic fatigue syndrome and was unable to work: "Although I know people meant well, they would ask me things like, 'When is that guy of yours going to get well and start working again?' and 'Why doesn't Randy try a less demanding job so he can at least get out of the house?' They made us feel like there was something wrong with us. Some of our friends became uncomfortable around us and pulled away. When people avoided us, we started feeling as though we were going through our trial alone."
Job said, "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends" (Job 6:14). We shouldn't give up on people during their low periods.
Know your limits
There may be times when it's just too hard to watch your friend suffer, Neumann says. "You may have had a difficult day and not be able to listen at length to your friend. Reassure them that you want to help, but ask if they could wait and talk about their problem a little later, when you're better able to handle it," she says.
Know when your friend needs more help than you can give. If his problem is getting worse, is starting to affect his relationship with others, or they're no longer comforted by your listening to him, encourage them to seek the help of her pastor or a counselor.
You may make a few mistakes along the way. No one can be expected to know what to say or how to act in every situation. Remind yourself that people in serious trials need the godly support of others.
It's better to say something less than ideal while at your friend's side, rather than to avoid someone because you don't know what to say. What matters most is to have each other's encouragement, and to not have to face difficult times alone.
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